Ron Burgundy Battles A Bottle Cap & Steals A Spider Monkey

On this episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast, Ron Burgundy is looking back at his career in broadcasting to tell us the top five favorite news stories he’s covered, starting with “a crime so devious and underhanded that it’s literally only talked about in whispers: the shocking abduction of Chitter-Chatter,” a spider monkey at the San Diego Zoo. The only problem is that Ron has a little headache. He refuses an offer of aspirin from his co-host, Carolina Barlow, in favor of his “pain management routine,” but when that doesn’t work – “You pay a guy you meet on the street a thousand bucks cash for a foolproof meditation class and it’s a bust. Go figure” – he allows someone to run out for medicine while he starts telling the story of Chitter-Chatter.

He was the first to report this story, he tells us, heading straight to the scene at the San Diego Zoo, “that bastion of environmental study, a place where people can eat corndogs and watch gorillas throwing s**t at each other in 100 degree heat. Real science-type stuff,” when he happened to notice a fine men’s leather glove lying near the cage. He interrupts himself to try opening the childproof cap on a bottle of aspirin. Carolina opens it easily, but Ron puts the pills back and tries again to open it himself, telling us that the glove was from Mr. Guy’s Men Shop, “the finest men shop around.” Carolina points out that his hand is bleeding. “Yes,” he snaps, “I’ve been twisting and pushing down on this bottle top for a long time and now my hand is bleeding. I know this sounds crazy but I’m hoping I pass out from the blood loss!” 

He took the glove down to the Men Shop and asked if they remembered who purchased them. “Do you know what he said?” Ron asks. “He said he sold them to me!...It was clear someone was trying to set me up.” He had lots of enemies at the time, reeling off names like Dolly Parton, Pat Nixon, the Osmonds and the Jacksons, Sammy Davis Jr., and Ronald Reagan. “So many enemies,” he laughs manically, “but none more aggravating and dangerous than this little bottle of aspirin!” When his headache is cured, he vows, “I’m going to track down the guy who made this bottle top and beat his face in with a sewing machine!” 

Does Ron vanquish the aspirin bottle and finally cure his headache? Who was trying to frame Ron? What really happened to Chitter-Chatter the spider monkey? Find out all this and more on this episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast

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