The Ten People Ron Burgundy Would Meet In Heaven

On this episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast, Ron Burgundy decides to list off the ten people he’d like to meet in heaven (five more than Mitch Albom wrote about in his book, The Five People You Meet In Heaven). “Let’s be clear, heaven’s not just about meeting people,” he tells Carolina Barlow, his co-host. “There will be tennis courts and poolside bars...world-class entertainment...the thread count on the sheets in heaven will be simply the best.” The first person Ron would look for is Dougie Stubernaut, a student who stole Ron’s beloved baseball glove in junior high, and who Ron would like to finally “punch in the face.” Second, he would meet Michael Jackson, who once stole a domesticated bighorn sheep from Ron, and would also get punched in the face. Carolina asks if there’s anyone Ron would like to meet in heaven who he wouldn’t punch, and he says, “What about Yoda?”

Another person he’d look for is Miles Davis, who he actually knows a little bit: He tells a story of going to a roadside diner for a scotch and seeing Miles and John Coltrane playing there when a dangerous biker gang called the Crimson Dragons (“sounds like a girls’ soccer team,” Carolina observes) burst in and demanded they stop. Before things got violent, Ron remembered he had his jazz flute with him. “I yelled out, ‘Anyone who doesn’t like jazz is a square!’...the bar went as quiet as a w**rehouse on a Sunday morning.” He started playing and “the next thing I knew I had the whole gang in the palm of my hand.” Miles and Coltrane joined in and Ron left the diner, “satisfied that jazz flute had saved another life.” Another person is “the foxiest woman of all time,” Cleopatra – “Do I, Ron Burgundy, have the power to resist the greatest temptress in the history of mankind?” he wonders. “Probably not. But I just gotta find out!” 

Carolina is a little dismayed at Ron’s vision of heaven, which he describes as looking like Mar-A-Lago: “Coral-colored Italian villas...marble for days...golf...a lot of faux antiquities...that’s what’s in store,” he says. “You’re just gonna cruise around, have breakfast at 10 in the morning, play a few rounds of golf...lunch, cocktails at 3, fish dinner at 6, in bed by 8. Forever.” Hear more about Ron’s version of heaven on this episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast. 

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